


without you (is how i disappear)

by elphieao



Category: The Haunting of Hill House (TV 2018)
Genre: Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 04:39:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16549067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphieao/pseuds/elphieao
Summary: *SPOILERS FOR THE SHOW*The selfish thought comes, unbidden, that he’s glad he never actually saw her that way; it’s not runny-egg eyes, but he’s sure that visual would have driven him mad just the same.





	without you (is how i disappear)

**Author's Note:**

> Again, SPOILERS for the end of the show- go watch it if you haven't finished it yet!

Steve and Shirley and Theo are escorted out when visiting hours end, though Shirley slips him a cell phone as she hugs him goodbye, whispering “One of us will be awake the entire time to hear it, so call us if you need anything,” and Luke just hugs her tighter, nodding into her shoulder.

 

He’s alone in the room and is surprised when he doesn’t feel any fear when the lights are turned off; he guesses he’s seen enough ghosts in the daytime to know that the light doesn’t make a damn bit of a difference anyway if they wanted to get to him.

 

It actually is a strangely comforting thought, and he’s asleep before he realizes it.

 

Luke wakes up suddenly in the night, eyes blinking open between one beep of the monitor and the next. Though it’s clearly no longer time for visitors Luke can sense that there’s a presence in the chair next to his bed. He knows instantly who it is, but he still lets out a small gasp of breath when he turns to see Nell beside him, knees pulled up to her chest and thin arms wrapped around them, barely visible through the pale yellow fabric of her dress.

 

There’s silence between them for a moment, each just looking at the other.

 

“I didn’t mean to kill myself,” Nell says quietly.

 

Luke’s arm still stings from where he injected himself with fucking _rat poison_ , so he’s being entirely truthful when he says through chapped lips,

 

“I know-”

 

“I- I thought I was putting on Momma’s necklace,” she continues as if she didn’t hear him, her delicate fingers stroking her throat, and tears fill Luke’s eyes. It was bad enough for him, what he went through, but at least he woke up to his siblings gathered around him and taking care of him. Getting to him before it was too late.

 

What had it been like for Nell, for no one to come to save her? She’d swung through the air, completely alone in that shell of a house until she went cold and stiff. Luke would’ve saved her if he’d been there, he would’ve wrapped that rope around his own throat and let it choke him if it meant Nellie could walk out of there, he would’ve-

 

“I know you would” Nell interrupts his thoughts; she seems more focused now, more like her old self. Luke doesn’t know if she can read his mind or if it’s still-

 

“The twin thing, definitely,” Nell smiles brightly at him then, and he helplessly smiles back as the tears begin to make tracks down his cheeks.

 

“Oh! I didn’t get a chance to tell you- the Bent-Neck Lady? It was me the whole time! It’s kinda hard to explain, but I know it was. I was scared of myself my whole life, isn’t that funny?” and she giggles like that isn’t the worst fucking thought for him to have in his head. 

 

For years she’d talked about the Bent-Neck Lady, how her neck was popped out and her skin was rotten and her mouth was open in a scream. Luke had had a picture in his mind of what she might’ve looked like, sometimes even had his own nightmares with her in it after they’d been sent to go live with their Aunt Janet. The Bent-Neck Lady and the Tall Man and the Red Room, a poisoned tea party spread out on the table in front of them.

 

To replace the ghastly woman in his mind with Nell? Kind, patient, beautiful Nell? Luke feels sick to his stomach.

 

But the selfish thought comes, unbidden, that he’s glad he never actually saw her that way; it’s not runny-egg eyes, but he’s sure that visual would have driven him mad just the same.

 

Nell isn’t giggling anymore. She’s just staring at him sadly; “I wish you could’ve stayed there with me, with us,” then shakes her head with a sigh,

 

“But it isn’t your time yet.”

 

“Are you real?” Luke can’t stop from asking. He has to know if this is his Nell, or if it’s just his imagination helped along by the stress of the day and whatever the hospital gave him.

 

To his dismay, her lip starts to quiver at his question before answering with one of her own; “Was I ever real? Truly? If all I ended up as was my own ghost, was I ever even alive to begin with?”

 

She’s crying with him now, and Luke can’t stand that. He doesn’t know if he’s ever going to see her again, real or imaginary, so he has to make sure she knows how important she’s always been and how desperately he misses her. He owes her that much and more. 

 

He’s getting tired again, sleep creeping into the corners of his mind, but he shrugs it off for a few more minutes. He’s almost too weak to move, but tries anyways to shift nearer to her, to reach for her;

 

“You were real; you _are_ real, the realest thing in my life. You’re the girl sending puffalopes to Santa and asking for gifts for all of us instead of yourself. You’re the one I could always count on to believe me when Steve and Shirley and Theo didn’t,

 

“You’re my twin, and you took care of me and supported me and forgave me no matter how badly I fucked up- I’m alive because of you, Nell, and you’re more real to me than anything’s ever been. You dying won’t ever take that away,”

 

He takes a breath as the emotions in him threaten to cut off his voice. 

 

“You might’ve been your own ghost, but you’re my guardian angel- and you’ll always be my sister.”

 

Despite the fact that he’s openly crying now, his throat is dry and his eyelids are heavy; he can’t push the exhaustion back any longer.

 

The last thing he sees before sleep claims him again is Nell smiling gently and reaching for his outstretched hand.

 

Luke swears he can feel the press of her fingers on his skin.

 

*

 

The day nurse finds the patient curled as much on to his side at the various wires and IVs will let him. His hand is hanging over the edge of the mattress, fingers white but getting the color back in them, like they’d been gripped tightly but recently let go.

 

She shrugs to herself and goes about her morning routine, but makes a mental note to grab the sweater off the back of her chair the next time she has to check on Mr. Crain.

 

This room seems much colder than the others.

**Author's Note:**

> This family continues to break my damn heart.
> 
> As usual, I own nothing; this is a work of fiction, comments and CC are always welcome!
> 
> Title is from "This Is How I Disappear" by My Chemical Romance


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